Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
