Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
