she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
