Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
