i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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