Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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