...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Panties = found
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
