take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
