shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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