ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
