Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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