Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
