Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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