I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
