I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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