dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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