woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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