i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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