I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
