My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
