a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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