My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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