I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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