I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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