I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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