I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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