Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I am one with the molecules
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
