I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
