when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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