I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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