My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
