so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
