my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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