I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
