I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
