his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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