EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
