my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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