I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
