Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
