When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
