so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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