I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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