If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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