Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
