I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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