I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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