You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
