I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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