We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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