do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
