I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
