We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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