Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
