I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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