Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize