so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
